One of the crowning achievements of my first year of blogging was making it through the full 12 months without being tagged by a meme. Alas, my luck turned recently when my “pal” Dave Harry from Huomah decided it’d be fun to send the lame train in my direction. For the uninitiated, a meme is like a viral game of tag, with bloggers passing the baton amongst themselves. In my case, Dave hit me with the ‘7 things you may not know‘ meme. Sounds like a bad American movie if you ask me. Anywhoo, it seems I’m obliged to tell you a little about myself. I could bore you with a dull overview of my past. But I thought it’d be much more fun to delve into my unfulfilled dreams, and explore the interests I never quite converted into full time jobs. You see, despite the fact that I do in fact love my job as an online marketer, it’s not exactly what I dreamed of as a child. Tourism Queensland can go stick their ‘best job in the world‘, coz here’s 7 jobs I’d much rather be doing …
International DJ
Like most kids, I dreamed of becoming a rock star. Unfortunately, my decision to take up the clarinet in high school probably wasn’t the coolest or wisest one. Percussion or guitar probably would have taken me closer to the dream… But alas I refused to admit defeat and bought turntables in my early 20′s with the intention of becoming Australia’s answer to Fatboy Slim. What I didn’t realise at the time was that Fatboy Slim actually sucked and so did I. Today, I still maintain my vinyl collection, but only my closest friends are polite enough to ever listen to me play.
Pornstar
Ummm… I don’t think I have to explain this one! Nuff said…
A terrorist
Let me clarify before you call the CIA. As appealing as Guantanamo Bay sounds, I don’t actually want to blow sh*t up. Rather, I want to be an Essendon Bomber. The Essendon Bombers are an Australian Rules Football team. Aussie rules is without doubt the most spectacular sport in the world. Just watch this video if you don’t believe me:
Like any other Aussie Rules loving kid, I dreamed of running out on to the ground for my beloved Essendon each week. But like most kids I lacked the talent, skill and toughness to make it happen. So instead I go to the ground each week, drink a lot of beer, yell abuse at strangers and generally make an ass of myself. Which is almost as good I suppose…
A terminator
While Arnie wasn’t exactly a childhood idol, the older I get the more appropriate the terminator line of work seems. My love of sports saw me participating in a range of sports during my youth. But it seems I was best suited to basketball due to my height (about 6 ft 4in). At the peak of my powers I managed to play in the USA for a little while. But… height tends to come with a certain lack of coordination… and subsequently a lot of injuries. Indeed, to this day I still retain the dubious nickname of brittle bones. The toll includes broken ankles, wrists, fingers & thumbs. Today I take the form of half-man/half robot with metal plates holding a broken ankle together. So given my half man/half robot form, a career as a terminator seems only logical. And my first mission… kill Dave Harry!
Circus performer
This one is somewhat cliche I suppose, but what kid doesn’t want to run away and join the circus (as long as it’s not as the bearded lady)? In particular, I dreamed of becoming an acrobat and dazzling the crowd from the flying trapeze. Of course, a few minor issues got in the way…
- A 6’4″ male weighing in at 95kg isn’t going to be particularly easy to catch at high speed
- My inability to land on my feet in a simple game of basketball probably means acrobatics wasn’t my chosen destiny
Indeed, had I pursued the travelling circus dream, it’s more likely it would have been as the circus freak after falling head first of the flying trapeze.
Video store clerk
Undoubtedly the least ambitious of my vocational choices. But what isn’t cool about getting paid to watch The Goonies, Ferris Bueller & Astro Boy. Unfortunately, a number of realities conspired to crush my dream:
- By the time I was old enough, Internet piracy had practically killed the video rental business
- Video store clerks generally get paid less than the cost of an average weekly rental
- Most video store clerks are douches. See video below for proof.
In the end, I guess Internet piracy brought me at least half way towards the original goal. I might not get paid to watch movies, but at least they’re free now… 
Gold Digger
The ultimate dream… because none of us would be working if we didn’t have to. While work is often fulfilling, it’s not nearly as satisfying as sleeping. But while this plan was brilliant in theory, I soon found out that most rich girls behave just like Paris Hilton. D’oh! Back to the drawing board…
So there you have it folks. My life and dreams out there for everyone to see (in a manner very loosely connected to the original meme). I hope you’re happy Mr Harry. Now, in the traditional of sharing the pain, it’s my turn to nominate the next suckers participants. So, I hand the baton over to my good friends Ken Jones, Steven Bradley and Lucio Ribeiro. Consider yourselves memed! Bwahahahaha.
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Very funny post!
I would too like to be a Pornstar, video store clerk (including salsa shark) and of course gold digger!
Git.
Nice… and I thought I was one of the few people who thought being a vid clerk would be a fun/interesting job.
Or a graveyard shift bellboy as in the flick ‘Four Rooms’…
But what I think would be the most fun would be a rocket scientist… because that way I could go around legitimately saying “it isn’t rocket science” about everything other than my job. Although if I did somehow end-up in that profession, you could kiss all future space exploration goodbye and thank your lucky stars that they’ve already managed to land on the moon because there’d be no chance anything I built would get off the ground.
Gold Digger is an option!
Porn Star ….
I’ll write my post, keeping the meme on the loop, reveling my options, need to think, far to many options. However sure I know what i wouldn’t like to have:
- Cleaner of Roads and Pavements.
- Internal Application Tester for tampons
- bill board poster person in Australian summer
- Massage guy for NZ Rugby team
- and the guy who cleans deceased people
Well ye’d best go with the Video store where U can put whatever music you want on and watch football, pron and Arnold to ye hearts content while chatting with the terrorist from the shop across the street…. For fun on the weekends do some circus tricks on gold diggers to relieve them of their finances… then back to the video store on Monday…
As for the seek and destroy, careful mate us Canadian’s are great at chopping down tall trees (eh)
Glad ya had so much fun…. Next time don’t run off on us again… he he… it’s a re-hazing
Dave
@mdepiere – Glad you enjoyed it. Wise choices you have made too my friend. Seems we’re two peas in a pod.
@Ken – suffer in your jocks.
@Pete – Haven’t actually seen Four rooms I’m afraid, so it seems you’d make a better video store clerk than me. As for the rocket science, I’ve actually heard it’s not that hard…
@Lucio – I put the pornstar in just so you couldn’t take it. I knew that would be number 1 for you
Hope you have some fun with the meme.
@Dave – Ahhh… the man who started it all… Your plan sounds feasible, except that the weekends are reserved for drinking beer at the football. And there’s no way I’m giving that up!
I thought you were going to do something like those facebook notes “25 things you didnt know about me”. there’s millions of them floating around now.
http://www.time.com/time/arts/article/0,8599,1877187,00.html?iid=digg_share