The best list of 2010 predictions ever!

Well… it’s that time of year again folks. No… not Christmas silly. I mean the end of the year. And that can only mean one thing. Predictions! Yup… it’s that time of year when everyone in the industry seems to get infected with some form of temporary insanity that makes them believe that they are the reincarnation of Nostradamus. Never one to be outdone, I’ve decided to join the fun this year and put together a list that I’m sure you’ll agree provides the most unbelievably accurate predictions for the web in 2010. So… without further adieu let’s take a look into that crystal ball of mine!

Internet censorship goes global baby!

The world may have laughed when Australia announced an innovative plan to censor the Internet, but they quickly realised that the joke was on them in 2010 when the results emerged. Within weeks of implementing the initiative the country was transformed into a modern day Eden. Crime disappeared almost instantly, as did impure thought. All foreign conflicts were resolved, with even the Jewish and Palestinian communities managing to resolve their differences. With Australia transformed into a veritable paradise, the rest of the world quickly followed suit and censored the web… except China. Unhappy to be suddenly aligned with the Western world, they gave the globe the middle finger and released the shackles.

Dial-up makes a comeback

With censorship proving to be such an outrageous success, the Australian Government moved into the second phase of Operation Purity. Having successfully conquered the number one societal problem (freedom of information) they swiftly moved to tackle problem number two – the speed with which information is accessed and shared. Plans for the National Broadband Network were shit-canned, and the country was rolled back to 56K dial up connections instead. Once again, the results were astounding. Frustrated with the speed of the web, most people gave up using the Internet completely and went to church instead.

Internet piracy disappears completely

The combination of excruciatingly slow Internet speeds and perfect moral ideologies facilitated the complete abolishment of Internet piracy. Record labels were restored to their rightful position as global power-brokers, yet decided to actually pay their artists second time around (that’s what happens in a perfect society!). The local video store also enjoyed a revival, with Seventh Heaven and Full House becoming the most in-demand titles on the shelf (although the subsequent slutty decay of Jessica Biel and the Olson twins remained a sore point for society).

The collapse of the porn industry

With impure thought now a relic of the past, the porn industry suffered the same fate as Internet piracy. Pornstars were publicly executed for besmirching the moral fabric of the male species. Adultery became a concept of pure fiction. Teenagers refrained from indulging their hormonal urges. Virginity was saved for marriage once again. Priests even stopped molesting altar boys. All was good in the world.

The Thought Police become a reality

Enthused by the sudden emergence of an Orwellian-like society, the Australian government took aim at their final (and most formidable) enemy – independent thought! Fred Nile was appointed to the leadership position of the Thought Police. Web cams were replaced by telescreens in every computer to allow constant surveillance of web browsing behaviour. Perpetrators of  thought crime, including renegade bloggers, political activists and freedom fighters were swept away to the Ministry of Purity for “rehabilitation”.

Predict This!

In case you can’t tell (and I’m a little worried if that’s the case), this post is a complete piss-take. And there’s a reason for that… because predicting the next big thing on the web is a pointless exercise. The next big thing on the web hasn’t even been created yet. Twitter was a pretty simple concept – instant messaging goes public. Yet I don’t remember anyone predicting the imminent explosion in 2005. Or Facebook. Or Wikipedia…

Sure… everyone’s predicting the rise and rise of mobile marketing in 2010, primarily based on the success of Foursquare. But I’m pretty sure if you review the predictions of web marketers from 2002-2009 you’d find  ” the realisation of mobile marketing potential” on pretty much every list. So well done… we may finally be right on that one. Which is proof that if you predict anything for long enough, it’ll probably come true in the end.

So my message to everyone is simple. Stop with the predictions! The web is in a constant state of innovation and evolution. You don’t know what’s going happen next and nor do I…

And it’s ok to admit it.